I need to post

So I've kind of been in the dumps as of recently.  Things that have happened in order of occurence
Failed teacher's college
Moved to Toronto and found house hunting to be more a challenge than I though it would be.
Couch surfed from one place to the next (one person cancelled on me the day of, decided I don't wanna be friends with them anymore).
Started nannyng for the best family in the world
Got my car towed
Got a flat tire on my bike
Had this huge revelation that I desperatly want to have a child as I watched my nanny family interact with each other and their grandparents and almost cried in front of them because of how beautiful it was to watch.
Have been lamenting about being single and realizing I may never marry.  If this does not happen... I won't have a wedding!!!!  No beautiful  wedding dress, no kick ass after party, no cool decorating.
The people I'm staying with at this moment have cats... they peed on my bed.
Got a virus on my computer.

Pretty awesome eh?  I'm just glad I have a good family to work for.

Motorcycle

Dear Most Recent Crush,
                   Every time I hear a motorcycle go by I wonder if you bought a new one and its you.

Desired but not Wanted

I've concluded that I am only desired by men but not actually wanted by them.  When I say men, I mean men that I am attracted to.  The men who like me are insecure or the type of guys who if you kissed them on the lips they would fall in love with you.
They (men I like) feign interest but then realize that although I'm intelligent and sensual are scared off by my quirkiness and eccentricity.
I'm tired of this, I seriously just want to fall for the boys who pant after me like puppies but then I think "whats the fun in that I like a challenge and they are not a challenge" "plus they are probably really bad kissers."
Just a little peak into the shallowness of my brain, yes I am shallow.  I use to write really deep things but school has ruined any deep thoughts that I have with incessant writing of stylized papers that read what the prof wants to hear.  I'm drained of creativity in my writing.  To start with I'm not much of a writer and then to have to punish myself with school I feel as though I'd rather click, click, click my time away on the computer.

Dear who ever you are (someone like me)  I miss you and I don't even know you.  That is all that has been running through my head for the past six months.  It seems that all the 'right' decisions I've made thinking they would lead me closer to you because I was following 'God's will' all my life have not lead me to you.  Instead I am almost thirty and still not with you.  Yes, I'm the girl who has dreamed all of my life of being married.  My parents impressed the importance of marraige on me ever since I was a child.  The family unit is very important to them, one of man and wife... and then eventually children. Thank you Focus on the Family for adding to the immense amount of pressure from my parents that they put on me.  I don't want to love you, I don't want to want you because I don't think I'll ever find you.  I think I am destined to be single all of my life.  Some girl with a dream life better than the one in front of her.
Well I guess I still can write something resembling so sort of depth.

Dear Old Crush

I think I still like you.   Every time I see you it's like drinking a cup of hot cocoa, you make me all warm and comforted inside.  I love your cheshire cat smile, your confidence and yet lack of confidence at the same time, how easy going you are, your casual stride, your ability to engage anyone in conversation... I would really like to be with you but I don't know if I'm pretty enough or cool enough to be with someone like you.

Words of Wisdom To Self

Don't start liking men younger than you who are only single because their 'ex'-girlfriends are away in another country or are just too far away to see each other anymore.

If I'm going to do this teacher thing I want it to be like Happy Go Lucky.

Dear Crushe's Female Friend

I don't really like you, your too perfect.  I know your good friends with his ex.  Tonight when I saw you at the grocery store, I kinda foregot about the way you treated me on Halloween and I said hello.  I could tell you did not want to linger.  I know your friend was anxious to get something off the shelf somewhere but your giggly girl laughs could have been mistook for laughter at me.  How are you in nursing, able to volunteer, work and be social all at the same time... ya your a brainiac and I can't stand it.

My Current Drink of Choice

Hendricks gin baby!
Infused with rose petals and cucumber!
A vintage style cork topper and a dip stick to tell you how much you have left.  So great!

Tonic water
Fresh lemon juice
and a shot O' Hendricks.

Adrienne Fucking Hates Teacher's College

Right now the only thing getting me through it are beats from RJD2.

Porn for Women

It's not what you think.  It is what porn really should be, the little kindnesses that men do to turn you on.  Like listening to you, helping around the house and doing things without being asked.  These are the things that  really turn women on.

http://www.wannasnuggle.com/index/

The Lie

You need to be more like God.

Seriously???  Who can ever achieve godliness???

No, you need to be more human.  God created us to be human.

The Dream

I had this dream and I was so embarassed within it that I feel embarassed now just thinking about it.

In my dream my crush is riding this bright pink sport bike almost exactly like the one in the above picture.  He is on a race track and I am riding my pedal ghetto granny cruiser bicycle Trudel on the inside of the track trying to keep up with him.  In between us is another guy riding a blue sport bike with a black helmet on.  He comes in between us but then recedes to the back as my crush speeds ahead.   In the dream I'm embarrassed because I am pedalling trying to catch up with him in order to see him, hoping he will see me but at the same time hoping he won't see me.  He sees me and I awkwardly wave to him and say hello two decimals higher than intended.  He looks back at me and waves to me, but it is one of those "I feel sorry for you so I'm going to wave back to be nice" sort of waves.

I've been trying to figure out what this means.  I can remember before falling asleep asking God to give me a dream about my crush so that I could figure out why it won't work, sometimes God speaks to me through dreams.  I know that this one has meaning to it but I'm not quite sure what it is.

So, I love my bike, I have a hard time getting over my crush because... well it takes me a long time to get over anyone and I have to keep myself from asking about them to other people.  Said crush likes motorcycles so is that why he is on one.  I wanna know who the blue guy in the middle is, is he suppose to represent god getting in between us so that it won't happen?  Is crush just as embarrassed as I am because he is riding a pink bike and I read his sympathy wave all wrong?

Dear Crush, can you just die so that I can stop thinking about you.  Okay, don't die, can you just get married.

A Collection of Things Sent by Heather for an Old Bitter Spinster Like Moi

http://www.sadanduseless.com/2009/10/tips-for-single-ladies-1938/

Salad Dressing

I cleaned out the fridge yesterday and ended up finding recent crushes salad dressing he had brought to my house.  Oh, goodness it was like the wind was sucked out of my lungs having that physical object that reminded me of him.  I've foregotten him and yet I haven't, part of me wishes that I was a girl he wanted to persue but reality tells me I'm not.  I know, how silly, stupid salad dressing evokes painful emotion.  I then had to wash the container and put it into the recycling, a painful process, I just wanted to put that salad dressing container straight into the garbage but my eco concious wouldn't let me. 

I miss you and hate you all at the same time Mr. Crush, I hope you meet a girl who will want to live in a mud hut with you in Africa because I certainly don't.

Jesus is NOT my boyfriend!!!!

Unless I get together with some Latin American guy named J(H)esus like my friend did.

If I met Joshua Harris I'd say "FUCK YOU Joshua Harris!!!."  All that mumbo jumbo about dating to get married stuff never helped me!  Dating Jesus was like dating an imaginary friend, he was their but not really present. First people tell me to see God as my father and then they tell me to see him as my boyfriend, ummm grosse!!!  Who does that to such an innocent and naive little Christian girl!?! Christian ideals of dating messed up what my ideas should have been, such as fun, innocent, no pressure, getting to know that person for who they are and not what I wanted them to be... my husband.  I read all these books and listened to some well meaning people and it just screwed me up.  I saw kissing as almost sinful and never took enough chances.  Dating for fun is okay and good, when your 16 or even twenty you don't need to be thinking about marriage!!!!  Only had three family members try to intervene on my behalf and by that time I was so brain washed I didn't want to listen to them.

So I turned 29 last Saturday, I tried to post some pictures on here but for some reason blogger kept rejecting them.  This year was a really hard year to move up the numbers, I don't really feel like 2 and 9 belong to me.  I don't feel like I've accomplished enough to be considered 29.  Now I know what your thinking, you think that I wish I was married with kids, well I would like that but I don't actually consider that to be a maturity thing though and much of an accomplishment.  I feel like their is this misperception that because I'm 'older' (urghhh I don't like that) I'm going to want to get married right away and pop out a baby, this isn't true, I want to get to know that person first before I decide I want to marry or have children.  I've seen a lot of people get married who weren't really mature and did not really mature because they got married and had children. I'd rather be single and meloncholy than married and miserable.  What bothers me MOST is that I'm not in a place where I can take care of myself financially.  I haven't been able to take that trip to Europe with a good friend and I don't have a career yet.

Teacher's college is a good step in the right direction and I've also decided that if no one is in sight by 33 I'm going to start saving to adopt a child.  I'm willing to adopt a child up to the age of 4 and maybe 5.  I don't want to do that insemmination thing because I think that their are tons of children out their that desperately need a parent.  I want to be a young mom, I thought that I would do this when I was forty but that would mean I would be 50 when my child is ten.  I'm actually really looking forward to doing this aspect of my life because it is something I have control of... sort of.  It is an attainable goal that is not simply controlled by fate and chemistry.  I'm already thinking of how I'll decorate my child's room, how I'll socialize them and whether I'll want to save more money for a second one so that they don't become a spoiled only child.  I'm thinking that if they are older I would spend that first year on maternity leave home schooling them so that a bond can occur between us and that they do not go through the shock of a new mom and a new school.  Oh how this excites me!!!  I have this great desire to love and to share that love with someone else.