Jesus is NOT my boyfriend!!!!

Unless I get together with some Latin American guy named J(H)esus like my friend did.

If I met Joshua Harris I'd say "FUCK YOU Joshua Harris!!!."  All that mumbo jumbo about dating to get married stuff never helped me!  Dating Jesus was like dating an imaginary friend, he was their but not really present. First people tell me to see God as my father and then they tell me to see him as my boyfriend, ummm grosse!!!  Who does that to such an innocent and naive little Christian girl!?! Christian ideals of dating messed up what my ideas should have been, such as fun, innocent, no pressure, getting to know that person for who they are and not what I wanted them to be... my husband.  I read all these books and listened to some well meaning people and it just screwed me up.  I saw kissing as almost sinful and never took enough chances.  Dating for fun is okay and good, when your 16 or even twenty you don't need to be thinking about marriage!!!!  Only had three family members try to intervene on my behalf and by that time I was so brain washed I didn't want to listen to them.

So I turned 29 last Saturday, I tried to post some pictures on here but for some reason blogger kept rejecting them.  This year was a really hard year to move up the numbers, I don't really feel like 2 and 9 belong to me.  I don't feel like I've accomplished enough to be considered 29.  Now I know what your thinking, you think that I wish I was married with kids, well I would like that but I don't actually consider that to be a maturity thing though and much of an accomplishment.  I feel like their is this misperception that because I'm 'older' (urghhh I don't like that) I'm going to want to get married right away and pop out a baby, this isn't true, I want to get to know that person first before I decide I want to marry or have children.  I've seen a lot of people get married who weren't really mature and did not really mature because they got married and had children. I'd rather be single and meloncholy than married and miserable.  What bothers me MOST is that I'm not in a place where I can take care of myself financially.  I haven't been able to take that trip to Europe with a good friend and I don't have a career yet.

Teacher's college is a good step in the right direction and I've also decided that if no one is in sight by 33 I'm going to start saving to adopt a child.  I'm willing to adopt a child up to the age of 4 and maybe 5.  I don't want to do that insemmination thing because I think that their are tons of children out their that desperately need a parent.  I want to be a young mom, I thought that I would do this when I was forty but that would mean I would be 50 when my child is ten.  I'm actually really looking forward to doing this aspect of my life because it is something I have control of... sort of.  It is an attainable goal that is not simply controlled by fate and chemistry.  I'm already thinking of how I'll decorate my child's room, how I'll socialize them and whether I'll want to save more money for a second one so that they don't become a spoiled only child.  I'm thinking that if they are older I would spend that first year on maternity leave home schooling them so that a bond can occur between us and that they do not go through the shock of a new mom and a new school.  Oh how this excites me!!!  I have this great desire to love and to share that love with someone else.